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Psuke Bariah

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05:54 pm: I don't think she gets it
Talking with my mother...I don't think she gets my utter antipathy for the Cambria area. I'm not sure anyone does, as it is not a "normal" thing. But I frankly feel that the entire SLO area is inherently set on my personal destruction if I stay there much more than a couple of weeks.

Or maybe that's just the proximity of my family? I love my family, but spending much time with them makes me want to stick a crayon up my nose like Homer Simpson. Not to mention my mother has...expectations? that I wll never fulfill, and having listened to her in the past (her and my grandmother) has taken me far from the path. She clouds my thinking with concerns of material security, but...while I really do understand the importance of eating...thinking that way leads me to a life of not-so-quiet desperation. I think things like "I'll just do this until...", except that "until" ends up being my feeling stuck in a quagmire that will drown me.

Do I run from place to place? Yeah, I do. I have yet to find someplace I feel comfortable, accepted and happy. It may have been a mistake to leave SF, I think I was on the brink of having it work...but what I do know is that in SLO county it will not happen. It is filled with middle class families and Central Valley retirees. These are not my people and will never be my people, and swimming that hard upstream is more than I can do anymore.

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